Available, Brave & Crazy: Part 2

Aftermath

David woke up from surgery in October of 2016 to find two of everything, six feet apart, in his hospital room. His severe double vision came as a complete surprise because the surgery had gone perfectly. David’s doctors did not know why it happened but predicted his vision would improve rapidly in the next few weeks and then plateau. But week after week, he saw almost no improvement. His brain soon learned how to navigate a distorted view of the world, but it took a huge amount of energy. Simple tasks felt overwhelming.

In January, when David and Ashley had hoped to be on their way back to Southeast Asia, David was still sleeping 16 hours a day and struggling to function. He was told his vision would not improve anymore and paid $700 for a pair of glasses with such an extreme correction that the prescription baffled his local optometrist. However, at a follow-up appointment just a few weeks later, the ophthalmologist was dumbfounded to discover that David’s eyes had improved rapidly way outside the normal time frame. “This never happens,” he told David. “Do you want to wear glasses? You don’t actually need to.” The unexpected healing of David’s eyes felt like a special reassurance from God, I know this has been hard, but I’m still with you.

Doing Hard Things

Once it became clear that the Moores’ return to the field would be delayed, they tried to make the most of the extra time in the U.S. David signed up for an online ESL certification class which would make it easier for him to get a long-term visa in Southeast Asia. The class included an in-person student teaching experience. Even though he was only a few months post-op, David wasn’t worried. He had already taught school for six years and remembers thinking, I hope I don’t make the other people in the class feel insecure.

David needn’t have worried. The teaching intensive consisted of eight lessons. After every class, David met with his instructor to go over what he needed to do the next day to pass. He spent nine hours preparing for each lesson and failed every one of them. He simply couldn’t process and communicate the material. Walking back from the last class in a daze, David texted his brother, “I used to be able to do hard things.” In his mind, returning to the mission field hinged on passing the ESL course, and despite the brain tumor and double vision, David was still certain they were supposed to go back. But after failing the course, he wasn’t sure if he was capable of it. His world crumbled as he realized, I can’t do hard things anymore.

David was shocked to discover he wasn’t functioning normally. Ashley was not. Ever since the surgery, she had been telling David he was different. “You’re so insensitive,” she insisted, “You’re not showing any empathy at all.” David responded with anger. He had always been analytical and rational rather than sensitive and emotional. That was nothing new. He couldn’t cope with Ashley’s grief and what felt like unfair accusations.

David found overstimulating situations particularly challenging. If the kids acted up and got loud at the dinner table, he became overwhelmed. If Ashley didn’t intervene, he grew frustrated. David’s irritability caused Ashley to avoid leaving him alone with the kids. She didn’t trust him to respond lovingly if they misbehaved, which made him even angrier. “We couldn’t wade those waters by ourselves,” David and Ashley realized, so they started intensive marriage counseling.

After the student teaching disaster, David had to accept that his brain surgery had left him with a significant cognitive deficit. As devastating as that realization was, it at least opened the door for him to communicate more openly with Ashley. David returned home from the ESL class and told her, “You’re right. I’m not the same person anymore.”

No Man’s Land

Ever since David’s diagnosis, the Moores had kept in close contact with their sending church pastor and Blake, their point person at Pioneers. Both of them would be part of discerning when David and Ashley were ready to return to the field. David was frustrated that Blake kept adding an “if” to that question. He encouraged the Moores to work on a backup plan. To David, the only way back to Southeast Asia was through single-minded focus and determination. There was no room for uncertainty and no need for a backup plan.

In March of 2017, David and Ashley joined a week-long debriefing conference at the agency’s office in Orlando. During one of the breaks, David went for a jog. The lyrics running through his head were from the Petra song that had crystallized his missionary zeal years before:

I am available. I am available.
I will go when You say go.
I am available. I am available.

The next line hit him with the force of a physical impact:

I will stop when You say no.

In David’s words, “At that moment, I knew that God was taking Southeast Asia away.” Was he available, even for that?

Later that day, David shared with Blake and a small group at the conference how that line had hit him “I feel like I have a bunch of symptoms of depression. We can’t go back on the field if I’m struggling with mental health.” They pushed back on the finality of that conclusion, encouraging David to give himself more time to heal before deciding.

Testing the Waters

By the summer of 2017, things had stabilized somewhat for David and Ashley. Counseling had given them coping mechanisms and the conflict in their marriage had gradually reduced. They decided to take a short trip back to Southeast Asia to see how they managed in a cross-cultural situation. The Moores’ entire time in the U.S. had been stressful and discombobulated. They didn’t have a steady home, job or routine. But they knew how to live in Southeast Asia. Going back, even temporarily, felt like returning to normalcy.

For the first few days, the Moores enjoyed reconnecting with teammates and local friends. David was determined to make the most of the trip. I’m going to get myself together for two weeks so we can come back in the fall. Then they traveled to an area conference in another city, and things fell apart. David still struggled in overstimulating environments, and Southeast Asia is the land of overstimulation. On the first morning of the conference, David and Ashley fell into one of their conflict cycles. “That first morning,” David remembers, “We knew we couldn’t come back in the near future.” Ashley agrees, “It was harder than we thought.”

Sinking In

Over the next school year, David worked as a substitute teacher to build his mental stamina. By the middle of 2018, he was working full days and it was time to make a decision about returning to the field. For two years, David and Ashley had been moving their departure back in three-to-six-month increments. Sophia’s most common bedtime prayer was still, “God, help us go back to Asia as soon as possible.” They couldn’t keep living with one foot on each side of the ocean, and they couldn’t stay on medical leave indefinitely.

Over a Zoom call, Blake and the Moores’ sending church pastor told David and Ashley that they were not in support of them going back to Southeast Asia for the foreseeable future. David and Ashley gradually came to own that decision and receive it as godly wisdom. While it hurt, they believed that closing the door on a return to the field put them in a healthier position than the continual uncertainty and tension they had been living in. They asked themselves, Could God actually care more about molding us to become more like His Son than He cares about our overseas ministry? And more practically, Are the challenges in our marriage directly related to the chunk of David’s brain that was removed? The answer to both questions seemed to be yes.

For David, the hardest part about the news was having to tell Sophia. He had hoped to fulfill her wish to return to Southeast Asia. Ashley felt grief mixed with relief. She wanted to go back to the field, but it also seemed overwhelming. In some ways, much of her life would be the same no matter where they lived. With three preschoolers, she didn’t have a lot of capacity for ministry outside her home. That made it easier to let go of Southeast Asia.

But after the relief came the panic. How are we going to survive? How will we get benefits? Ashley is a planner, and they had no plan. The middle of August is a bad time to start looking for a full-time teaching job. David didn’t get health insurance as a substitute, so Ashley started researching companies that gave benefits to part-time workers. I don’t know what to do right now, she thought, There’s too many things.

David doesn’t remember a sense of panic after Pioneers and their church decided they should stay in the U.S. indefinitely. He maintained the same determination as always, just redirected his focus from getting back to Southeast Asia to overcoming the obstacles of staying in the U.S., like a job, insurance and a place to live. But he acknowledges, “I might be looking back with rose-colored glasses.”

Reengaging

To both David and Ashley’s relief, the uncertainty didn’t last long. A few months before it was decided that the Moores would remain in the U.S., David’s childhood missions pastor had told them, “I don’t know where the Lord will lead you guys, but if you need a job here, let me know.” It turned out that he was now overseeing the tutoring ministry the Moores had volunteered with before going to Southeast Asia. When David called to say he needed a job, the leadership team had just closed the interviews for a full-time program director. They told David they’d consider him if he could come in that afternoon. At the end of the interview, they said, “We already knew you were the person we wanted as long as you and Ashley are both in agreement.”

While the Moores had resisted the idea of developing a backup plan in case they had to remain in the States, the Lord had been laying the foundation for their next chapter of ministry for almost a decade. After three years of uncertainty and waiting, they confirmed a new ministry role within 10 days of their decision to stay in the U.S. They also joined a team reaching out to immigrants in their city which they hadn’t realized existed. The certainty was a relief, but more importantly, it was stimulating to have a mission again. The Lord hadn’t responded as they had hoped to their prayers to return to Southeast Asia, but David and Ashley felt Him assuring them, I still have you by My right hand. I’m still here.

Closure

The transition hasn’t been entirely seamless. David and Ashley still have suitcases in storage in Southeast Asia, although the volume dwindles as things disintegrate in the tropical heat and humidity. When they visited in 2017, the rental contract on their house was about to expire, so they gave a lot of their stuff away, saving some in the hopes of returning. At the time, the door back to Southeast Asia wasn’t closed. There was always a crack. But David and Ashley now consider themselves to be in the U.S. for the long haul. “In one sense,” they admit, “if the Lord called us there before, what’s to say He wouldn’t again? But it seems unlikely.”

One of the hardest things about not returning was the feeling that they were letting down their national partners. They didn’t want to be those people who said they were coming back and then didn’t. Granted, they had a very valid reason, but it still somehow felt like a betrayal. Once the decision was made, David texted Arif, a gifted evangelist and strategist who had the vision to see self-sustaining churches in every village in their region. Being a partner and friend to Arif was one of David’s strongest motivations for returning to the field. When he explained he wouldn’t be able to do that, Arif responded, “Honestly, most Western missionaries stay here too long. I wish more people were in your shoes.”

That’s not the typical response of national believers when their Western partners leave the field. It wasn’t even a polite Christianese response—It’s okay, I’ll pray for you. It was a unique release—Yeah, it’s probably better that you don’t come back—so in character with Arif’s passion for ministry that David says it didn’t even sting. “It gave us a lot of peace, feeling like the work was moving on without us. They didn’t need me. The Lord was still working despite our departure.” And He continued to work. Over the next 18 months, the Moores’ ministry partners in Southeast Asia reported a wave of baptisms and multiplying house churches. David and Ashley celebrate the lasting fruit the Lord is producing and the chance they had to play a part—even temporarily—in the harvest.

While the Lord was gracious to provide closure and comfort for David and Ashley, they still find it hard to tell the story. “When people haven’t had the experience of really trying to immerse themselves in another culture incarnationally, it’s hard to express the gravity of changing your focus to another culture,” David explains. The Moores have been blessed with a core group of friends and supporters who get it. “They understand how deep the commitment was and how immersive the process was in connecting with Southeast Asia. And how momentum started there, and the pain when we stopped being able to participate in it.”

Impact

While in some ways David and Ashley are stepping back into a familiar tutoring ministry after almost 10 years away, they’ve learned and changed a lot in the meantime. David’s experience working shoulder-to-shoulder with local believers in Southeast Asia and focusing on multiplying disciples has forever changed his approach to ministry. When he interacts with the East Africans he once again serves, he sees himself as a co-worker and a learner, not a Western expert with all the answers. He encourages his believing volunteers to adopt a similar posture with students who express openness to spiritual conversations. David coaches them on how to introduce Muslim friends to Scripture in ways that resonate with their culture and worldview.

David has also started a program for tutors to learn one of the East African languages. In Southeast Asia, he experienced how language-learning fosters close relationships. By taking on the role of students, David and other tutors demonstrate humility. “You’re becoming like a baby. You’re making yourself super vulnerable. They’re seeing you struggle through things and persevere and depend on God.”

For Ashley, her experience overseas impacts her relationships with people who are crossing cultural barriers. Last year, she tutored a first grader and grew close with his mother. Even though Ashley has never been to the family’s home country in East Africa, the mom seemed more comfortable and open once she knew that Ashley has also lived internationally with children. The family later decided to leave the U.S. and move to North Africa, another major cultural adjustment. The mother flooded Ashley with questions: How do you know what to pack? Where do you buy a power adapter? And once they landed in their new home, her first text to Ashley read, The language barrier is hard. I know you know what that feels like.

Still Available

Ashley remembers going to the field with the expectation that it would be hard for a while, and they would have to persevere, then they would fall in love with their host country and live there until they were old and gray. Cross-cultural life would get easier over time. After these last few years of struggle in both ministry and marriage, she now realizes, “There is a lot of waking up every day and choosing to be faithful even if it might not get easier tomorrow. I had never considered that it would be this hard a lot of the time.”

Through their years of marriage counseling, David came to see that his primary area of sin is self-righteousness. “I always said I was willing to die to myself by going to the mission field. I’m willing to get on a plane and move somewhere I can do impressive things. But am I willing to stay here and let Jesus put my self-righteousness to death? Am I willing to make disciples and walk in the Great Commission from a place of dependency and weakness?”

David and Ashley still embrace and live out the theme of the Petra song. They are still available to the Lord and are still committed to making disciples of all the peoples of the world. But David has a different perspective now when it comes to his part in that global mission. He has come to accept, and even find comfort in the fact that, as he puts it, “God gets to choose how He uses me to bring Himself the most glory.”